-Part 4 How Do We Get Attached? Have you ever truly paused to think about this question?
Attachment is something we all experience, yet we rarely reflect on how it develops. Before sharing my own perspective—which some of you might find convincing and others might even label as selfish—let’s first look at attachment in its most common forms.
Think about the different types of attachment we see around us:
A parent’s attachment to their child
Attachment between spouses
Attachment among loved ones
Attachment between friends
If you feel I’ve missed any, you’re welcome to add to the list.
Now ask yourself: what is common in all of these relationships? Why does a mother love her child so deeply? And why can she not love someone else’s child in the same way?
Because through her child, the sense of “mine” is fulfilled. Her emotional, psychological, and even biological needs are connected to that child. The love is not random—it is rooted in fulfillment.
Why do spouses become attached to one another? Because they have needs—emotional, physical, psychological—and when those needs are fulfilled by each other, attachment naturally grows. The same principle applies to friendships and other close bonds.
So is it really the magic of the other person that creates attachment? Not entirely.
More often, it is our needs, and the other person’s ability to fulfill them. The more consistently someone fulfills our needs, the deeper our attachment becomes.
That is why, in many cultures, women are advised not to repeatedly reject their husbands when they seek closeness—because unmet needs slowly weaken emotional bonds. Love does not increase in the absence of fulfillment.
Here’s something interesting to reflect on: Have you ever encountered someone with an avoidant personality—emotionally distant, reluctant to give, hesitant to depend on others?
Very often, such individuals were emotionally neglected as children. Their needs were not fulfilled early in life, so they learned to survive without relying on anyone. When needs go unmet, attachment weakens; when needs are fulfilled, attachment forms.
Another important point is this: our needs change with different stages of life. At one stage, our primary needs may be food, safety, and security. As we grow older, our needs shift toward emotional connection, meaning, understanding, and intellectual companionship. Attachment evolves as our needs evolve.
There is also a vicious—yet powerful—way of breaking unhealthy attachments. But that is a reflection for another day, In shā’ Allāh.
JazākAllāhu khayran kathīrā for reading till the end.
3 Comments
JazakAllahu khayran for this thoughtful reflection. Your exploration of how attachment forms through fulfilment of needs is insightful and very relatable. One gentle point for tadabbur: the verses from Surah Hūd seem to invite us to reflect not only on how attachment develops, but also on where it ultimately belongs. In the story of Nūḥ عليه السلام, the bond remains deeply human, yet Allah redirects it toward a higher معيار—attachment to faith and righteousness over attachment to lineage. Drawing that link a little more explicitly could beautifully anchor the reflection in the verse. May Allah reward you.